I was talking to my sister today, as we were babbling on about life she said “well I have found as you get older you don’t really focus on if your spouse looks a certain way” Then she said “it’s about how much you’ve been through and the experiences with that person that you value” omg this whole conversation was just so much of what I believe in, down to my core. She doesn’t know I’m writing this yet, lol. I respect this conversation so much, every once in awhile my older sisters have advice or some sort of comment that makes me stop in my tracks. This just really sat with me and I thought about all the things Chris and I would have missed out if we did not take another chance. We would not have had our two other children, we would not have experienced moving away from our home town together. We would have never grown together, it makes me so sad to think about us not growing together. Every relationship grows, whether it grows into a healthy relationship or an unhealthy one, it will grow. At times I look back and think of that wasted time and energy we put into that divorce, we should have put that into our relationship instead. These marriages don’t last forever because they “fall into place” it comes from hard work, crying, communication and honest feelings being shared. It is by no means easy, but I believe it’s worth it. Those good times and those experiences are something that makes it all so worth it. Although my mom really helped Chris and I give each other another chance, Chris never gave up. He pushed and pushed and continued to ask me every time we saw each other if I thought there was hope left for us. While we swapped Axel back and fourth we often walked away crying, we were fighting back the feelings that we couldn’t explain in words. I believe that’s love, that was the love we were holding on to. The struggles of marriage and being a parent sometimes feels never ending, I know this. With that said, every night when I lay down I thank God for the opportunities and the life he has blessed us with. It’s been quite a journey so far.

Lately life has been never ending, the migraines from not sleeping, then when I do have a chance to sleep I can’t because my mind is racing. I have found it particularly more difficult right now. I broke down a few days ago, complete melt down. I cried and I actually found a towel and just cried in it in my bathroom. I felt so alone, I’ve had a screaming baby by myself and two other children relying on me. I was struggling. I needed to take Walker to the ER again so, I called Chris and he said he would come home and I said no. I wanted him to come home, but I didn’t want to tell him to. I felt guilty, I felt weak, like I am being such a baby. Luckily the following day Chris was home for two days. My stress just goes away, having him home to help me and support us. It is something I will never take for granted. I started therapy for myself back in October I was struggling to find a routine and really figure out why I was feeling so horrible. I would say I went into a mild depression, my therapist gave me tools and ways to prevent this from happening again. I am learning that I don’t do well when I don’t have things to do. I am a “on the go” type person and covid has completely destroyed that. So now what? Well, I pick myself up and come back 100X stronger, I can’t get stuck, I won’t let it happen. I start planning work outs and tasks for myself. I remember that this is just a season and soon things will be different. I also tell myself, it’s ok to feel like your world is falling apart every once in awhile. I don’t think mothers allow them selves to have that time out kind of time. I needed a time out when I was crying in my bathroom, it was a complete mental time out, and that’s ok. Today I got some alone time and I was thinking about how difficult I make it for myself. I need to give myself the grace and patience that I give everyone else. I always tell myself “wow be more patient” and “well I shouldn’t have yelled” etc. GIVE YOUR SELF A CHANCE TO BREATH! It’s ok to melt down and not be ok. I don’t like to cry in front of my kids, so I hide it. I don’t ever want them to feel like their world is falling apart because of me. I will continue to work on this and show them how to deal with the difficult days. For now, I continue to take it day by day. Just to slow down and enjoy these moments as much as I can. Giving myself an hour in the morning to work out or just drink my coffee has helped so much. I hope this helps you, I don’t have it all together but know that you’re not alone. We all go through difficult seasons, be kind and give yourself the patience you give everyone else.

Today, while I was trying to find some important paperwork, I came across a tub of photos. I’ve been filling this tub with photos since I graduated high school. I wasn’t ready for what I opened, I opened memory after memory. I actually had to stop myself from looking because I was losing focus of other things I needed to do. I placed the tub back in the garage. I didn’t want to attempt to put it back up and risk scratching my husband’s precious truck in the garage. (LOL) Anyways, my son came home from school and saw the tub, I saw him rummaging through it and I didn’t think too much of it. He came in the house with a picture and he said “mom this is my favorite picture of all time” it was a picture of him as a baby, I think he was maybe 8 months old. It was him and my husband at the fire academy. This day, I remember so clearly, but unfortunately I wasn’t there with them. I should’ve been, but I believe my pride got the best of me. Chris and I were split up at this time, he had gone to the fire academy and passed everything. So then came graduation day. There was some miscommunication on that day and I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I remember trying to steal the joy of that day from him. I’ve never talked about this before, but I was so sad. I had lost my family, my husband and now I couldn’t be apart of these special moments? I was supporting Axel on my own, single mom, full time job with benefits. So in reality, looking back I did my part! I did a hell of a job, being 21 years old and feeling like a failure because Chris was doing amazing things and I was just “working”. Little did I know, I made an 8 year career out of that job, I did well for myself and looking back it kills me to think I thought of myself as a failure. What also gets me is the amount of jealousy and anger I had because Chris was closer to being a firefighter. Now back to my son, he doesn’t know how that picture makes me feel and I probably won’t share that with him until he’s much older, but for him, he looks up to his dad so much and loves him to death. I felt a strong feeling today, the feeling of how far we’ve come. How we’ve put our selves on the back burner to give our kids a good life. I am often so hard on myself, I don’t give myself much credit honestly. I stopped for a moment today and told myself “you’re really doing this, you’ve got this” I have found myself a little jealous lately, Chris has been doing so well with work. He has a lot of great things happening, I am so happy for him but I often feel like I can never compare. I change diapers all day, I don’t save lives. But today, this photo brought me back to reality. As a mother of 3 boys, going back to school, sports, online learning, speech therapy and soothing a teething baby all night, I am doing a lot and I should feel proud. Everyone is important in some way, just different ways. Pretty soon I want to be back at work, working with precious little ones. But for now, I will continue to embrace these boys and our lives. I know it won’t be like this forever. Don’t forget to be happy for someone else’s success. You will be glad you did, I promise. Here is the picture I found today.

On May 21st 2011 Chris and I got married we got married in South Lake Tahoe. This wedding was a bit rushed to say the least, I was almost 20 years old and Chris was 22. I was pregnant with our first son Axel. My family put this wedding together in less than a couple of months, it was so special to us because it was simple, nothing spectacular. It also was absolutely beautiful, the views, the house we stayed at. It was a weekend of so much fun and memories we still laugh about today.Chris and I were an absolute mess emotionally at this time in our relationship, I think the only thing we knew for sure was that we loved each other. After a few months of marriage, life got really serious. I had our son Axel, we were so happy yet so stressed. We moved around for awhile and didn’t have a lot of money to support our family. I worked full time and Chris was starting EMT school. It was a fight every single day. Chris would be gone all day and I would work until 10 or 11 at night. We didn’t communicate or even try to fix our relationship. One day, I left. I took Axel and I left. I will never forget the sadness I felt leaving that day, I ignored that feeling and just figured I’d be happier if Chris and I were apart. I think the worst advice I ever received was someone that said “well you can’t just leave” that was like my fuel for leaving, I said “watch me.” I started the divorce process on my own, I would go to the court house every Tuesday for about a month. I did all of my own divorce paperwork with the help of the people that worked there. They were seriously the nicest people you could ever ask for. I’ll never forget when I finally finished every document, the woman told me “wow you really did all this on your own.” I knew at that point I could do anything on my own. Chris and I sorted out a schedule for Axel and had our custody battle. It wasn’t pretty, most of the time one of us walked out crying. After the legal stuff was over, we started co parenting. We did really well, we never had issues between us for the most part. I worked full time, had my own apartment and would send Axel to day care, or my mom would watch him. I lived a new life that I was so proud of. I did things on my own for a long time. Chris was going to the fire academy at this point so financially I was staying afloat on my own. I didn’t resent him for the things he was trying to do. I knew he was trying to create a better life for Axel. Life went on for a few years like this, it was really challenging sometimes. Chris started to ask if we could get coffee or lunch when we would switch Axel back and fourth, we started to create this new bond. It was like we were starting over. This went on for a few years, once we realized we really missed each other it hit both of us. We were never supposed to be separated or divorced. Life had hit us with another opportunity, so we gave us another chance. Chris started his job with Cal Fire in 2014. Chris and I moved back in together in late 2014. We got a dog, a house. Little did we know life was just beginning. We were a little older, trying to figure life out together. We argued often but communicated more, we both worked full time and then obviously had Axel still. We made a move to Clovis CA when Chris got his permanent job in 2018. When we moved here we were probably the happiest we have ever been in our entire relationship. I think for me at that point, I felt like we had made it, we had gone to hell snd back to get here and we made it. In 2018 we got remarried. It was the funniest experience getting married at a court house. We still laugh about it today. I always remind myself of the promise I made to God before moving back in together in 2014. I said “I will never ever give up on my family again, just give me one more chance” I stand by that promise today, God has given me gift after gift. I’ve had plenty of chances to give up again, but I won’t. Marriage can sometimes be really difficult and although it sounds easy to walk away, well actually…that’s the only easy part. The “walking away part” everything else comes with tears, hurt and disappointment. If I could give any advice to someone thinking about divorcing for reasons that can be fixed, don’t do it. Don’t give up on your family so soon. It’s ok to take a break and not know what the hell you are doing. Just don’t give up.

Axel is almost 10 years old now, he doesn’t know much about what happened in his baby days, we do know there may be questions in the future that we will have to answer. We are ok with that, it’s ok to not be perfect and have it all together.